


Who We Are

by cantheysuffer



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Angst, First Time, Incest, M/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-02-12 07:08:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2100237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantheysuffer/pseuds/cantheysuffer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I meant like on my knees, from behind, tied to -” Loki's teasing trails away under the weight of Thor's blue eyes.</p><p>“We can't do this.” Thor replies, the cold affront of his voice failing to mask his arousal. Loki can feel it against his thigh.</p><p>“Too late,” Loki laughs bitterly. “It's already happened. You started it,” Loki says, like it matters. If Thor hadn't he would have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who We Are

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to practice one shots so I sat down and wrote this in one sitting with some lonely music and the only plan being I wanted something sad and delicate. I hope you enjoy it :)

Loki wakes, sweat slick on his skin from the night before. He's cold now. The morning light seeps through the half drawn curtains and Loki shifts, half stretches, in sheets ruined from when he'd passed off to sleep in Thor's embrace - a rare luxury, that. After climaxing Thor had held him tight. Loki's neck was tucked into the crook of his brother's shoulder and he let himself be rocked to sleep by the final shudders of Thor following soon after. The bed is colder still for its emptiness, Loki realizes, as he glances around the room. There's an indent in the covers next to him. An indent instead of Thor. 

The alarm that should be unfurling in Loki's stomach is muffled by the calmness of the sleep he has yet to shake. Drowsily he dresses, tugging on boxers and a large sweater of Thor's that he finds discarded on the floor. He stumbles out the bedroom, rubbing at his eyes, and nothing of the graceful image he usually maintains with ease. 

Thor's standing on the balcony of the rented room, back to Loki as he watches the sun light up the city while it rises. The light catches on Thor's naked upper torso, spilling over well defined muscles and escaping into the indents at his hips. Loki's eyes trail down appreciatively, lingering on Thor's worn jeans, slung low enough that its apparent he didn't bother with underwear. Loki's skin pebbles, not entirely from the cold. His footsteps are muted on the carpet as he approaches his brother. He takes care to clear his throat before he breaches the boundary of the open balcony door. 

There's a hand held out immediately at the sound, Thor tugging Loki in close, close enough that Thor's stubble rasps against Loki's clean shaven cheek. From the periphery of his vision Loki can see that Thor is still staring out at the city, the gesture automatic. Grabbing Loki in close like he has done so often before, blue eyes nonchalantly watching the light splay across the buildings, their posture only natural. Thor's wearing a sad little frown. If only. 

“Missed you in bed,” Loki's whispering, drawing Thor's arm tighter around him. Half naked in the twilight there's a rare sense of vulnerability he allows himself. Time for warring and fighting with himself, with Thor, will come later. But even when Loki allows, the same small little frown is creeping onto his lips to match Thor's. 

There's a fragility to the whole moment, locked away as they are in a rented room, boundaries set up to distance this from the rest of their lives. Stolen embraces laced with sadness amidst the pleasure because beyond these walls they cannot have this, and oh how Loki wants. 

Loki's teeth playfully close around Thor's shoulder in a nip when his brother does not respond, but even that gesture is wracked with a wrought intimacy. Loki releases his jaw into a tight clench. He rubs at the faint mark he's left on Thor's golden skin, first to wish it back, and then with embroiled impatience. Thor catches his wrists and turns to look at his brother at last, face beaming with that brilliant sadness. Blue eyes brimming with a lost kind of wonder. “Don't,” Thor whispers back. 

“Too late,” Loki huffs out, breath fragile between them. “Too late. Shouldn't have ever done that if you didn't want-” 

Thor's hand grips the nape of Loki's neck, a familiar embrace with a torturous lilt to it now. The tears sting Loki's eyes, mind reeling, how will he ever let Thor touch him like that again when they go back home? There is no such thing as innocent touches between them now, if there ever was. 

“No,” Thor says firmly. “You know I...” Thor pauses, sighing, “you know I wanted this as much as you.”

“And what do you want now?” Loki tries for seductive but falls short, voice cracking with its own insecurity. As if Thor might come to realize any moment that this was a mistake. He won't be able to look Thor in the eye across the dinner table again. No more camping trips, cuddled up in the same sleeping bag because someone, always Thor, forgot to pack his, and he can't convince Loki to sleep outside under the stars - there are bears! How can he not be afraid? “When are you ever afraid,” Thor would ask in marvel, voice sincere instead of teasing, because he has fallen so completely for every one of Loki's ruses. And now Loki is bare, all ruses left behind, and he is in desperate need of them, but it's too late for that. 

Thor clears his throat, indecision stifling the eroticism that should be present, with them both barely clothed and touching, skin to skin, in a rented room they can disappear into to make love again. Loki can feel his growing erection, but he's been so good at hiding that from Thor for so long. He angles his hips away from his brother, earning an eyebrow arch. Not so very good this close. 

“You,” Thor admits, but it's not enough, voice strained. “I always want you,” he's practically pleading. His hand tightens on the back of Loki's neck, tilting his head back, and his lips crush into Loki's. It's all the pressure of tension and none of the romance of a kiss. Thor's teeth grind behind his lips, all agony and force. Skin straining and dragging. It shouldn't be this difficult. Not between them. 

Loki parts his lips, fearing for a moment Thor might bite his tongue in mistaken frustration, but he doesn't, and Loki licks at the inside of Thor's mouth, softening the kiss into something delicate and wanting. “How?” Loki breathes out into Thor's mouth, and oh is that a mistake. 

Thor's face jerks back. His hands are still around Loki, but the embrace is frigid. Not letting go because that means deliberately turning away, but not wanting to be there either. “I don't know,” Thor mutters, face straining with a serious look. 

“I meant like on my knees, from behind, tied to -” Loki's teasing trails away under the weight of Thor's blue eyes. 

“We can't do this.” Thor replies, the cold affront of his voice failing to mask his arousal. Loki can feel it against his thigh. 

“Too late,” Loki laughs bitterly. “It's already happened. You started this,” Loki says, like it matters. If Thor hadn't he would have. 

“We can pretend nothing happened. You are really good -” Thor protests, only to be cut off by an escaping hiss from Loki. 

“No,” Loki says with a scowl. “No.” He shakes his head. “It's this, or nothing.” His hand moves up to splay across Thor's bare chest as he speaks. He has a mind to just close his fingers around Thor's cock, but he doesn't want to win that way. Thor should want this as much as him. The fragile hope that he might is what makes the agony at all tolerable. That Thor, perfect Thor, could want this. Want him. It's a stunning realization. 

It was a stunning realization to have a drunken Thor not spin again when the bottle landed on Loki at a frat party last week. Seven minutes in heaven had been excavated from their elementary school days, now interesting plied with liquor and of age to make appropriate use of socially sanctioned liberal sex. The first kiss in the bathroom had been “so we can say we did something,” and that bled into the next when a chaste press of lips pressed further and neither found that they quite wanted to stop. 

“This okay?” Thor had asked, like it hadn't been everything Loki had ever wanted since Thor had started washing naked next to him in the communal gym showers. “He's just attractive, that's all it is,” Loki had said to himself. “You notice attractive people.” And you jerk off to the thought of them later, by yourself, in your own bedroom. 

But when Thor got down to his knees in the bathroom during their seven minutes of heaven, it wasn't just a pretty face. It mattered that it was Thor eagerly unbuttoning his pants, dragging down his underwear, and smirking at his straining cock. Thor with his casually confident smirk, the same one he'd worn all through football games and when flirting with girls that were a sure thing. And it looked very much like he knew like Loki was a sure thing and he was pleased about it. 

When the banging on the bathroom door announced the end of their seven minutes Loki fumbled with his zipper, cautiously watching Thor wipe precome from the edge of his mouth. Somehow they had gone from the progression of making out to a blowjob without talking about it. Who the fuck would want to talk about it with Thor's lips around his dick, but in the cold aftershock Loki found himself confused and frowning. Thor pushed past him, glancing in the mirror, tucked the wisps of blonde hair that weren't in his bun behind his ears, and opened the door. 

“We didn't do anything,” Thor had laughed at the audience that watched them with a mixture of shock and perverse curiosity, having gathered around the door while it'd been closed. Thor patted Loki on the back as he drunkenly stumbled out of the bathroom, stumbling a little more than he should have been. Amping up the intoxication that had ever let him take Loki into the bathroom in the first place. 

And if Thor wanted to talk about it the next morning, glancing at Loki in the kitchen, Loki silenced it with a, “we didn't do anything,” before he stalked out. 

But in the night there had been nowhere to go when Thor sat down on his bed, nowhere Loki wanted to go. “We need to talk,” Thor had murmured against the darkness. 

“Get in bed,” Loki had replied casually as he could manage, heart pounding against his ribcage. 

“We can't,” Thor sighed. He glanced nervously around the room. He'd closed the door to Loki's bedroom, but the walls might as well be paper thin. He's heard Loki masturbating before, even though their rooms in their parent's house are not right next to each other. Gods, he's heard Loki gasping, so wrecked he can't form words, too far gone to shut up though. Panting out his own release and it's been more than once that Thor's dick twitched against his own accord, and then his mind went too, wondering if Loki would sound the same if Thor was the one to bring him to climax. “Not here Loki.” 

“Then where?”

The hotel had been Loki's idea. “In another city we could be anyone, be anything.” He'd sounded so wistful Thor had wanted to kiss him right then. Corner him up against the wall and reduce that beautiful excitement to a wanted, wasted, wreck. “Try it out. See what _this_ is.” Loki arched his eyebrows meaningfully. “Figure it out where no one else can get in the way.” 

Guarded whispers on the train to a city Thor had picked at random, one he'd never heard of before. “When did you first know?” Followed by Loki blushing, and Thor's never seen that expression on his brother before. “I always wanted to do everything with you,” Thor said with a shrug, trying to be noncommittal. Cool. As if always wanting to fuck your brother is totally normal, not a big deal at all. “Share everything with you.” “Same,” Loki had lied. 

Thor grabbed Loki's hand when they got off the station platform. They look nothing like brothers, the lack of genetics in their favour. No one paid them any attention. If only they weren't brothers. If only his parents hadn't adopted Loki. If Thor had met Loki for the first time at that frat party... Thor sighed without meaning to. Loki glanced up at him, smiling nervously. If Thor had met Loki for the first time at that frat party, he wouldn't love Loki like he does. He didn't say it though, smiling back sadly in return. 

“So how do we do this?” Thor asked when they entered the rented room, because Loki's always been the one with the plan. “Pick up from where we left off?” Loki said, arching his eyebrow suggestively and laughing. “Sure,” Thor replied, relishing the look on his brother's face as he dropped to his knees. 

He went slowly, no timer to worry about that time around. No one on the other side of the door, waiting to hear about what they shouldn't be doing. Thor licked a stripe down Loki's half-hard cock, teasing the slit, kissing at the soft skin before taking it into his mouth. Thor worked his mouth to the rhythm of Loki's moans, dragging his lips slowly around Loki's cock every time his brother let out a little noise. 

Afterwards Thor sat on the bed, Loki straddling him, as they kissed slowly. Even after giving Loki a blow job there was a calculated tension to the movement of their lips, as if they could drag the meaning out of that moment from each other's bodies, unwilling but clear. The tension remained static between them as Loki tugged off Thor's shirt, hands darting across his abs. “Fuck,” Loki whispered in an ardent hiss. “Ever since you started getting muscle I have wanted to smear cake frosting across your stomach and lick it off.”

“We can do that next time,” Thor said, hand moving up to affectionately card through Loki's hair. Loki glanced up, green irises a faint circle around dilated pupils. “Next time?” he'd asked, voice soft. “Yeah, of course there will be a next time,” Thor had promised, though he wouldn't be so quick to say the same now. 

“I don't want nothing,” Thor says to Loki on the balcony. His arms are still rigid around his brother. A cage, because he refuses to let go. Loki had said it's this or nothing and the options grate on Thor's morality crudely. This should feel wrong. This is wrong. People will judge. 

“But you don't want me either,” Loki says, scowl in full force. He attempts to pull away and stops when Thor's grip tightens around him, clutching him into his chest. 

“I don't want to hide,” Thor says earnestly, voice strained with the agony of their situation. “Then tell them,” Loki snaps, quick because he knows Thor won't. It's an empty threat on his side as well. His green eyes soften from the hardness that will not relent on the rest of his face. “Are you afraid?” Loki dares.

“That's not it,” Thor mutters, breath heaving in his chest, failing to keep his voice steady and clear of the anxiety working into him. He glances away to keep from meeting Loki's gaze. “I can't do this.”

“I can't not do this,” Loki says with a sad little laugh. 

“That's not,” Thor frowns, lines of tension easing into his face. “That's not a reason to do it. Because you can't stop. You should want to.”

“I want to so badly I can't think of anything else. Can't do anything else. Be anything else, but obsessed with you,” Loki whispers ardently, and the confession wrecks him. Still, he isn't completely defenceless. Loki can take the words back in a moment, because that is the nature of one who lies. Even the truth is coloured with dishonesty. Thor would be ready to believe it weren't true in a moment. “It's too late,” Loki says softly. “And I don't care.” 

“I don't think I ever did,” Thor admits. “I want to care, to feel like it's wrong, so badly,” he shakes his head and laughs. Its cold to their ears, disbelief at being held back by something he can't feel. He's been haunted by his friends' faces on the other side of the bathroom door. Mesmerized by a revulsion that should be embroiled in his blood, but he can't feel it. It isn't there, this disgust that would both damn and save him, because Thor knows how to be the perfect son. The golden boy. He doesn't know how to be _this_. 

They make it back to the bed, the sweeping tension still between them. Thor straddles Loki. It's no effort to slip Loki's boxers off and unbottun his own pants and take them both in hand, their cocks sliding together in the circle of Thor's fist. Loki's hands clench into the bedsheets, back arching as he pushes his hips up, aching for more friction. 

“You're so beautiful,” Thor whispers. Loki clears his throat but says nothing, pretending he hadn't heard. 

Loki comes, panting and clawing at the bedsheets, back arching as Thor rubs his dick until he makes him let it go. “You're going to hurt me,” Loki scowls, shoving Thor's hands away from his over sensitive member. 

“No, I won't,” Thor promises earnestly, and he wonders when he started to lie. “Can I fuck you?” he asks. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Loki mutters, breath catching ever so slightly, enough for Thor to realize he's not as nonchalant about the whole thing as he would make on. 

Thor gently opens Loki up, fingers slick with the lube they hadn't dared to buy together at the drug store before leaving their home town. Of course no one would know what it was for, but the burning awkwardness of the situation had made Loki tell him, “take care of it,” and he did, no questions asked. 

Loki's face goes from slack from pleasure to disinterested. Likely a taunt, but Thor is quick to pull out his fingers and fumble with the condom, replacing them with his dick. He pushes in gently with the movement of his hips. 

Once he's certain Loki's not in pain Thor rolls his hips experimentally. His blue eyes are on Loki's face, searching for a clue as to what he's feeling. Thor's mouth is dry, tongue flicking out to dart over his lower lip, whole body aching for some reassurance. Loki's flat eyes give him nothing, but in time he's shifting his own hips to meet Thor as he pushes back in with every thrust, enjoying this to some degree. 

Thor orgasms quickly, taken by surprise by it, barely pulling out in time, and realizing too late he doesn't have to. His come spills down Loki's leg and Thor awaits the biting comment that does not materialize from his brother's silver tongue. Testing their limits, Thor grabs Loki's wrists and pins them above his head. Loki exhales sharply, biting his lower lip as Thor grinds against his brother's leg while he comes down from his climax. 

“What're we going to do?” Loki murmurs in the aftermath, fingers trailing through Thor's golden hair, untied and strewn across his bare chest. It's the reaction, not the response, that he waits for, face guarding the cautious insecurity that prompts such a question. Even in the rented room, where there is no one else but them, that's been walled off. 

Thor shrugs, shoulders barely moving as one is trapped against Loki's chest, rising and falling with Loki's forced even breathing. Every breath is calculated, repeating a rhythm of one, two, three. Therein Thor can mark his tension. The additional weight to every sensual gesture between them. 

“I don't know,” Thor murmurs, rolling over to put himself back on top. Loki's hand falls back on the bed and he watches his brother with a guarded uncertainty. “You're the one that comes up with the plans. I just follow them.” He rolls his hips forward, their slick bare cocks sliding together on Loki's stomach. “When I like.”

“I don't have one,” Loki snaps, bite mostly absent, but the words are quick and shrewd. He shuffles his own shoulders, but quickly gives up on pushing Thor off and settles back into the bed, head hitting the pillow with an exaggerated thump. 

“I'll come up with something then,” Thor says mildly. His eyes trail down his brother's naked upper torso. 

“We are so fucked,” Loki groans under his breath. 

“Going to prove you wrong,” Thor laughs, hands moving up to pin Loki's shoulders. The mischievous glint to his eyes is forced, but Loki allows his brother this. 

“Oh?” Loki says, face drawing into a smirk. He rocks his weight, nearly toppling Thor off, but Thor puts out a hand to right himself on the bed in time. Thor grips his legs tighter around Loki's hips. 

“Yeah,” Thor grins back, playfully pinning his brother into the bed, not so different from the rough housing they used to do as children. Not something they can go back to, but maybe everything isn't lost.


End file.
